I'd say giving up sounds like a good idea, but that's just not me

I'm not sure what to do anymore. My family life seems to be falling apart because of me. I have continued to tell myself that it's not my fault, that other people need to change, not me. I still think that there is more compromise to the solution than just me changing who and what I am. I think that me getting a steady job is going to make things approximately 150% better (I could be wrong about that number, I'm not great at math). But in the meantime, I guess I need to just be an adult, admit my failings, and move forward. Why does it always take really shitty circumstances to get me to pay attention? Probably because I'm more or less a lifelong failure and that is simply one more symptom of my failings. I don't remember the last thing that I did really well. I'm kinda getting used to the idea of just doing what others tell me to do, that way, I'll have less (hopefully) of a change to screw things up. I know most of this is me having a pity party for myself, but I've got to get past this feeling of being a letdown to anyone I've ever known to move on and get better. I know I haven't failed at everything and that there are things I'm good at (to one degree or another). It's just right now, I feel like I'm at the bottom of the well looking up. But at least I am looking up, right?

Help or don't, but don't pretend

I just experienced people who said they "would be willing to help, no matter what" send me to voicemail then text back, I call you back when I get time. Perhaps I am being unrealistic (it's been known to happen) but when you say, "I'll be there for you no matter what" you don't voicemail someone while you are shopping. It makes it very hard to lend credibility to someone when they don't even follow up on their own statements of wanting to help.

A continuation of the suck

Another chapter in the ongoing fight with mental issues. Note I don't call it an illness. I don't think that these episodes of human weakness equal being sick. I think that all of us have inside us the capability of going bat-shit, some of us are just more prone to it. I admit that I have issues I need to deal with and will deal with them. Being harangued into actions that I'm not comfortable with will most likely result in frustration for all. I am very aware of my need to get counseling and to work on some program of recovery and renewal. I would appreciate a little respect and common courtesy when discussing my "options". When none of them sound good to me at first blush, chances are I simply need time to digest the idea. I'm not discounting things out of hand, I just want time to think about it. I know, I know, thinking hasn't really been a strong suit for me, but this is just the way my mind works. I can't change that overnight.

You simply can't understand

Unless you suffer from depression, I feel confident in saying that you will never fully understand it. Lying around unable to do anything is not anyone's idea of fun, productive life. The feeling of being unable to
participate in even the most day to day tasks is humiliating and angering. Pointing out that a person is physically able to do these many things in question does not make it any more likely or easy. Sometimes things just need to run their course in their own time, however hard that is to admit. Time cures things that willpower can't. And it's not about willpower in the first place. Willpower implies a lack of desire to make things better. If all it took was a desire to make things better, there would be not a single case of depression in the world. NO ONE likes being depressed and would do anything to change it. You can't understand that unless you live with it.

Not everything has a reason

Sometimes a bad day is just a bad day. Asking me why it's bad doesn't make it suck any less for me. A lot of these times, I am in no mood to analyze my mood or feelings. It's not about you, it's about me and I don't feel like sharing my pissed-off-ness. Please accept that. There are times you simply don't need to know.

Rantings of a "mad" man

Okay, so we're more or less caught up on the "unfortunate incarceration" (God help me I just quoted from Designing Women) I'd like to explore what happened in my head leading up to that fateful moment. This is a section of my Tumblr blog from earlier that day.


http://www.tumblr.com/blog/renderedthoughts




I still can't decide if I stand by this or not. I think I like it, I just feel like an idiot for espousing the idea of universal consciousness equaling God. I mean, it seems, hell, it is, blasphemous to even consider becoming an equal of God's.  Seems to me someone tried that before and it didn't work out so well *coughs, Lucifer*. I think maybe we're just at a point in our evolution as a species that we can even think of meeting God. There are a couple of religions that believe your final incarnation is as a god-type awareness. Perhaps that's where mankind is headed, who knows.


Having hashed out in my head what I could remember about that day and talking to my therapist, I believe I have an "answer" (for myself, at least) to what happened.  The medications that had been prescribed to me were patently wrong and caused/allowed a mental break. That chemical badness was further exacerbated by my line of thinking during that time. While I thought I had life, the universe, and everything figured out, I also thought/believed that the world was going to go *poof* in my children's lifetime unless I could get the right people to make the right decisions....  Now, all of that was going through my head at about a million miles an hour. I had not slept well, I was stressed b/c of my unemployment, we have a baby on the way, my brain chemicals were topsy-turvy, and I thought my children would see the end of the world. Hell, anyone would have had a break-down at that point.

More self-aggrandizing bullshit

I keep thinking that I must really be important for others to waste their time on me. God knows I don't see it that way. But somehow, for some reason, people keep coming to my aid. To give me comfort where and when it's not deserved. To help me when I least want it and most need it. Advice is freely given and freely ignored if need be. I'm not good at being on the receiving end of emotional generosity. I'm not entirely sure I'm good on the giving end either, I have simply told myself over the years that it' the side of the coin I'm better with. Since my kids were born, I've kinda had to become more aware of my emotional "score". I can't be all giving, neither can I be all taking. That is a really hard concept to wrap my mind around. I may get around to accepting it sooner or later, but for now, I'm just really confused and scared. Not neccessarily about anything specific. Simply amazed and humbled at the love that has been out there for so long and that I've ignored, thinking I didn't need it. It has taken a wife of infinite patience to show me that I can't love without being loved back, not in any true manner. My mind and heart are having one hell of an argument and I'm really hoping they work it out. My head hurts.